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My to-do list failure

April 17, 2013

Along with the other four things I didn’t get done on today’s to-do list is the item “mon/tues work.”

That should tell you something about how my week is going.

Instead, I have done things for which I do not actually have time. I did not buy stamps. I did not buy milk. I did not clean the house. I have not slept much.

I have read two books this week. I have made random blog posts. I read a comment from an author about how gay teen fiction is overdone with novels about gay teens getting beaten up. (This comment was not directed at me, in particular, but might as well have been.) I have sighed. A lot.

My boyfriend has talked me off the precipitous edge of raving lunacy multiple times this week, telling me the books I’m reading aren’t better than my own, despite having not read mine and despite having not read the books I’m reading. I love him for this. He has always been compassionate regarding my fragile ego. I am not nearly as kind as he is, and likely do not deserve his unmitigated encouragement. It’s only Wednesday. I wonder how long he can sustain his sense of compassion.

I have also looked repeatedly at my to-do list, avowing to do things in the order I have prioritized. I have also failed at doing so. On a sunnier note, I have done a few things on the list that I had intended to do Thursday or Friday.

I have just spent another wasted minute staring at a post-it that looks like it has me scheduled on 4/26 to “find  towels,” but since I don’t recall losing any, I suspect it might say “final touches” in my sloppiest rushed handwriting, but I can’t remember what that’s supposed to have meant.

I have looked up the difference between “kismet” and “serendipity,” and I want to believe in both, especially since I’d take either right about now and not care which it was. What I have thought was either in the past was not (e.g., do NOT pick a new college roommate because her towels [what’s with the gratuitous towel references?] match the shower curtain you have, and do NOT date your neighbor just because he has a single, great bumper sticker on his car: stop bitching; start a revolution). I have sighed some more.

I will as likely as not keep putting things off until the last minute, which also means some things, as usual just won’t. get. done. I will still not buy stamps. I will still not buy milk. I will still not clean the house. I will still not write something new. The last one is so high on my priority list that it doesn’t even require my writing it down, but it does not happen. These things keep getting pushed further and further back.

Instead, I keep procrastinating, keep thinking about how I can’t seem to rekindle an old friendship simply because I am, and always been, stunned into a kind of dumb awe around the individual. I must have used to hide it better. Every time I try to send an email, I get so hung up on how little I have to say that I delete the email again.

This all reminds me that I am being a dipshit, and that I have willingly alienated myself from just about everyone in the world. I chose to hide behind a vapid facade so that I wouldn’t be disappointed/disappointing, and in doing so for so long, actually have become vapid. I think the only intelligent things I’ve said today that weren’t either a) dumb or b) self-deprecating were about vector sums and about sine waves, and they were said to people who couldn’t care less about them. So while I realize that I’m not an “idiot” in the strict sense of the word, I am definitely “a dipshit.” I can’t believe this is the life I actually built for myself.

On a sunnier note again, I am officially done with work. This doesn’t say much, unfortunately, since I haven’t done any actual work since about 5pm. Tomorrow will be better. Yes.


From → fiction, rants

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