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SIATSIA Excerpt 7

May 22, 2013

okay, sriously now, May 20 2009

the downside to having people read your blog is that people (particularly those you know) read your blog. a mixed blessing, it’s called, i think.

like, if i say what’s going on in my head or whatever, i have to worry about who i’m going to hurt or worry now. it’s one thing to just pour that crap all out anonymously. it’s another bag of chips altogether to know there’s judgment (for better or for worse) coming as a result from people you care about. and i just wanna be like, “don’t judge me. don’t judge me.” but i don’t think that really works.

well, here’s the deal, i guess; i’ll post whatever. but spare me a lecture when you think i need it. the reality is that i get enough of it as it is. i love you (friends, b., et al), but i don’t need another lecture, however well intentioned. i make the decisions *i* make with good intentions, too, you know? so, just know that if i have hurt you here in the past by what i’ve said or if i hurt you in the future; it never has been my intention in the past, and it never will be.

moving on, if on a bit of a tangent…

bryan read through my last couple of posts, and while he thought most of it was funny, he wouldn’t be satisfied with self-determined inability to explain SI here or to anyone in person. he said i glorify it all here, but that the other night i talked about it differently. i didn’t see that difference, at first, but i guess he has a point. i’m not surprised really, because when do i write about it? when i’m thinking about it on different terms, when i’m down down down. so the context is entirely different, you know?

it’s funny, though, like, maybe i can’t really ever be alone and thinking about it in, um, non-glorifying terms, because i’m sitting here, trying to think of a better way to explain than i have in the past since someone’s actually reading this… but i just keep thinking about how i’ll get judged, how something that is all mine, my own little safe place, will get judged unfairly (case in point, my friggin’ GOD…*sigh*).

but if you’ve never been down this road, you could never know anyway; you’ll always judge the way you do. not that i blame you. i mean, it’s not like people sit around in self-help groups and congratulate one another on some bodily harm done exceedingly well. no one advocates on behalf of SI, you know? that would be effing sick. but i also know that the judgment and the subsequent airing of grievances from friends and family in some kind of militaresque confrontation doesn’t help, either.

maybe it would be better to remember some things:

this is not a cry for help, this is not a death wish. i can’t stop this, and i don’t want to sometimes. i can’t say more than that about it.

it could be worse: i mean, do you see me out burying my head and problems in cheap well vodka and getting so spun at parties that i can’t say my own name? (don’t answer that. it’s social use, not running away, and i don’t drink cheap well vodka anyway.)

i keep trying to quit because of the judgment. i can’t ever imagine wanting to stop of my own, um, volition. i only try for other people’s sakes. sad, but true.

 

Added for bonus tid-bit of whining: i haven’t had meat in 7 days. i think i’m going to die. *dramatic posturing*

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From → fiction, SIATSIA

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