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Lazy, sick, and tired.

June 7, 2013

I have another monster headache that keeps teetering on the edge of full-blown migraine, and an unbelievable sadness and sense of loss twisting my stomach. I know there’s nothing wrong, but it’s annoying. My hand hurts like hell, which makes me think I should be grateful for nerve damage that has left my hand at least partially numb. Have I mentioned that I have pins jammed through my bone?

Look, I'm a baby. I know. But it hurts.

Look, I’m a baby. I know. But it hurts.

I’m just… pissed off.

I don’t even know why.

I don’t know if I’m pissed because I’ve felt like hell for several days straight or if I feel like hell because I’ve been down the last several days, but it’s getting old either way. I thought it might bring me something creative to write, but it hasn’t been the case.

In my errand running today, I tried to furtively stare at a couple of guys  standing outside a coffeeshop while I was stopped at a red light. Something about one of them struck me as being incredibly…well, aesthetic. He was gorgeous, with his blonde hair held back with a headband and his jeans rolled up to mid-calf. He was hot, yeah, but aesthetic is actually the best adjective I can think to describe him. Watching him stand there, I felt as though I’ve neglected Dave and Bryan for far too long, to say nothing of neglecting the people in my life who actually exist. I told myself I’d just head home and start writing. It hasn’t worked in my favor.

Instead, my head continues to pound, and my heart aches as I reread what I’ve already written. I feel like I’ve backed myself into a corner. I don’t know what else to say or do. Frankly, I feel like I’ve had the life sucked out of me. I think this means it’s time for me to quietly step away from my computer and think for a while, which is something I try to avoid usually. I spend a lot of time thinking about nothing, or thinking about too much at once. I have a very strong aversion to focused thinking, perhaps because it involves effort, and I’m generally a lazy shit. Really. It’s ridiculous.

“If laziness could be a middle name, initial me so I could wander off and fall asleep.” ~Umphrey’s McGee, “Wife Soup”

Don’t get me wrong. I work. I work hard. But I’ve stretched myself thin to the point where I have neither the energy nor the inclination to speak, leave the house, or think.

Sigh. Okay. I’ll read. Then think. Tomorrow I’ll tackle… something on my to-do list. At the very least, I’ll aim to be less irritable.

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From → rants

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