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Note to Self (And other like-minded folk)

June 30, 2013

Subtitle: A checklist of things you shouldn’t do when trying to fight a panic attack.

1) Under no circumstances should you watch/listen to/read the news. Fail.

2) Don’t leave your pets home alone and drive through a massive storm system. Fail.

3) Don’t look at any ex’s Facebook page, even if you’re still friends. Fail.

This is just a starter list. Feel free to add to it.

The singlemost annoying thing about an anxiety disorder (aside from the obvious having one in the first place) is that I feel so damned selfish. I can’t breathe or slow my heart rate, and my mind is racing: America is going to get nuked because of Snowden. I don’t want to die. My house is going to collapse because it’s being eaten by ants. I don’t want to die. I’m going to get struck by lightning. I don’t want to die. Certain people I used to associate with are up to no good. I don’t want to get dragged into their drama. In reality, I should be visiting family in the hospital. I should be fishing with my uncle. I should be doing yardwork at my parents’. I should walk the dogs.

There is no one I can call. I will not burden anyone more than I already do. I know, rationally, that I shouldn’t feel the terror I do. I am grateful, though, for the dog that just plopped himself down on my back. It’s the hug I need so badly right now.

If I was as cool as Harry Dresden, I wouldn't be blogging right now. I also wouldn't be able to have a laptop at all.

If I was as cool as Harry Dresden, I wouldn’t be blogging right now. I also wouldn’t be able to have a laptop at all.

And lovely. I put my head down next to my laptop to rest for a moment with the dog, to take my pulse (92, which is exceedingly high for me), and the laptop crashes. Stupid excess energy. (Really, I fry electronics, a la Harry Dresden, which I think I’ve mentioned previously. I cannot wear a battery powered watch, for example, and during one particularly stressful time in my life, went through 12 cell phones in 14 months. Tech support at work has failed to duplicate errors on my computers until I walk into the room. Yes, I know how absolutely insane this sounds, but if you’ve ever known someone else like me, you know I’m not kidding.)

Channeling my energy positively is something I firmly believe in. My body, my various electronics, and my home’s wiring demand this of me. I actually find The Dresden Files that much more entertaining because of its familiarity to me. Sadly, I don’t have a skull spirit living in my basement.

I need to get out of the house. And then maybe I’ll reread the first three books of The Dresden Files.

ETA 1:49am 7/1/13:
The dogs and I went walking. We survived. We talked with various neighbors. Small dog had to pee every 15 feet. This went on for over a mile. Large(r) dog had enough energy to endure a training session in the backyard afterward, and was doing wonderfully until some people came by to chat.

Apparently, running out of anxiety medication is NOT good. (Additional note to self and like-minded folk: do NOT leave the toilet seat up if your medicine cabinet is above the toilet.) I hate having to admit that I am reliant on medication. It’s bad enough to have to take medication so I can walk without pain. The stigma of depression/anxiety sucks. I am an entirely different person when I have medication. Now, I’m left with panic, no sleep, and no appetite. I want to sleep, but there’s so much to DO. If I didn’t live in a neighborhood surrounded by shitty neighborhoods, I’d consider going running right now. Since my friend’s husband was held up at the local gas station 3 times in one year, however, I’ll pass.

Instead, I’ll continue to rely on watching zefrank True Facts videos.

Finally. To my amazing boyfriend (who I don’t think actually reads this, and I’m actually grateful for that) thank you for the perfect hug. In the off chance you do read this, I love you. I have not been communicating well with you. I realize that, and I love you. And I’m sorry about that. The communication, not the love.


From → rants

One Comment
  1. Undeniably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the net the simplest thing to
    be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people think about
    worries that they plainly do not know about. You
    managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the
    whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal.
    Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

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