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Ahem. Howdy there.

July 31, 2013

I’d like very much to tell you that I’ve snapped out of my funk, but that would be a lie. It would be much more accurate to say that I’ve come to accept my funk as “the way things are, at least for the moment.” Sure. That works.

Of course I didn’t give up my art or writing. Of course I haven’t been studying. Of course I haven’t figured out my plan for the remainder of grad school.

Things have gotten increasingly rough on the home front here, and I’m working to keep everything together. If entropy is the natural state of the universe, what the hell am I waiting for? Oh, right… we’re expected to go against the grain and laugh in entropy’s face. Hahahaha. Hahaha. Ha.

Take that, entropy. And screw you, universe.

No, really. Things have been full of suck more than usual. I actually only mention this a) because of my recent silence and b) in case I come off sounding horribly cynical here over the next several months.

But there have been some good moments… writing, reading, working on more jewelry. Lunch or dinner with family and friends. These things are not to be taken for granted. It is, after all, for the people I love that I don’t embrace entropy and fly off the handle. Frankly, entropy just sounds like a lame excuse for giving up. And that ain’t me.

No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks.

No more homework, no more books, no more teachers’ dirty looks.

Oddly enough, I don’t see my potential decision to give my university a stiff middle finger and dropping out of my degree program as giving up. Besides, I’m still waiting to see how I want to play this out – if the university decides to screw me, I’m walking away. I very rarely quit, but this is one of those rare times where it will feel so damn good to do it. I’m not giving up. I’m walking away on principal. I refuse to keep throwing money to a university that seems determined to screw me at every turn. Sure, I want to finish. But I won’t be too torn up if they’ve decided to strip me of some of my credits and tell me I have to retake courses I’ve already completed with high honors and have paid way too much for. Hell no. Sometimes enough is enough. That situation would be a fine example of where I, personally, have to draw the line and be effing DONE.

Dear Overpriced and Underfunded University (good old OUU):
Up yours! I quit.
Sincerely,
Twig Anthony, former graduate student/academia burnout

So there’s that.

There is also the very literal mess at home, which I’m very tired of cleaning up all the time. Sadly, I will do it yet again tomorrow after being gone for 5 days since a friend is coming to stay while she’s in town. I wish I could run myself over with the vacuum cleaner. Death by suction and bristles. Then again, I don’t want to die, so maybe it’s best not to wish for such things.

Additionally, there is my keen ability to reduce those around me to tears. It grows increasingly annoying, because I really don’t like making people cry, and so it’s been a much wiser decision not to talk to most people for the past couple of weeks. Reality is a bitch. If I don’t talk to people about what’s really going on in my life, they don’t cry. So instead, if I must communicate, I make jokes – even morbid ones about death by suction, yes – and a shit ton of small talk. I avoid conversation otherwise when at all possible.

The weather is lovely as of late, isn’t it?

I don’t mean to be cryptic, honestly. I actually had every intention of coming here and saying once and for all exactly what has had me so up in arms recently – and then I just couldn’t. Most of me simply just doesn’t want to reach out to anyone for comfort or reassurance. Not right now. Maybe… later.

Most of me just wants to crawl back into bed to read more. Most of me feels stressed and unwelcome in my own home. And most of me just doesn’t CARE anymore. I guess that’s sort of entropy after all, and I have to tell you, it feels GOOD.

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From → rants

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