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today I dropped an f bomb

August 1, 2013

On the phone…

To my dad.

This has never happened before.

And the thing is, he didn’t even comment on it. Since my parents aren’t too keen on me swearing, even as a grown ass adult who’s been cursing fluently since the age of 9, that ought to tell you about the kind of day i’m having.

Before I say that, I just want to make it known how grateful I am for two things:

1) my better half cleaned the house after work today. I think he knows how close I am to losing it right now after all.

2) my jewelry was promoted by a national organization to which I donate 10% of my sales. I am already swamped with new orders.

It is hard to feel the kind of joy I should be experiencing, though. Mostly, I am just numb (to everything but mosquitos, it turns out, which I learned by laying on my backyard tonight to stare at the night sky and think).

My sister (in-law)’s long battle with cancer is coming to an end. I… shit. I can’t find the right words. I drove across the city tonight just staring at the road ahead of me. I feel like my limbs are made of lead. I can’t seem to find the words to tell even my closest friends here what’s going on. I have no words. I wish I did. I wish I knew what I could say or do to make this easier for my brother, for my sister-in-law (i only use the in-law term to make it clear that I’m not from an incestuous family) and for our families. I’m not worried about me. Sure, I might scream at someone if they rub me the wrong way, but I’m trying to avoid that. None of this is about me, which, I suppose, is why I can’t bring myself to talk to any of my friends.

For a long time, I have been trying to steel my nerves for this, but I didn’t expect everything to unravel practically by the hour. I just need to make sure my brother is okay. He doesn’t deserve to lose his wife. His wife shouldn’t be dying like this. No one… NO ONE should ever have to suffer as they have.

But life isn’t fair.

I think I have managed to reinforce the walls I’ve created enough to be a rock for anyone who needs me during this time. I hope no one thinks me callous for not breaking down. My grief will come later. Shit, I’m already grieving, but I can’t afford to let anyone see that right now. I don’t want anyone to ever see that part of me,  though.

I am a rock. Rocks don’t cry.

I’m holding it together because there is no other option.

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From → rants

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