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…untitled…and stuff. (08.01.13)

August 1, 2013

Holy shit. The overwhelming heaviness of grief that I’m experiencing right now is beyond my own comprehension. And even then, I’m only catching brief flashes of the even heavier sense of it that my brother is experiencing.

My sister-in-law, my sister, passed last night minutes after I made my previous post,

Even when you’re ready, I don’t think you can ever really be…ready. You can convince yourself all you want, but it’s bullshit. It’s a defense mechanism. I won’t begrudge anyone whatever it takes to get him or her through the day, though, so if it works for you, go with it.

My defense mechanism has been convincing myself that I had to man up more than I’ve ever had to before, that I need to be strong for my family. And I nearly had myself convinced. I’m still attempting to let hot lava tears cool, but the lava eventually sets to become rock. But again, it’s absolute bullshit to say that my family has ever expected (in a negative sense) or demanded anything of me. We are all grieving, and every last one of us knows it. But I tell myself to man up for them, when it’s just another damn mechanism I use to get myself through the day. It’s noble, sure, but never, ever demanded of me. And now I can go back to cooling off, setting eventually as rock – as long as I acknowledge that it’s just an act, bravado for my own benefit as much as for anyone else’s. I’m afraid that if I let the grief wash over me in icy, pounding waves like it’s threatening to do, the clash of temperatures between grief and anger – icy sea water tears and flesh bubbling lava tears – will be even more devastating than either on their own.

Logically, I know that the water vaporizes to steam, and the lava cools that much more quickly; e.g., t’s not healthy to try and deny these emotions. Logically, I know that. (Thanks, Bryan; thanks, Bloodflowers, for letting me plagiarize liberally from myself.) I’m not entirely logical right now, though. I have about 3 hours to sleep and become a rational, sturdy lava rock. There is no room for the grief. No room right now for the anger.

Now, take a look at the following cheat sheet. Then read the “hypothetical” (cough) scenario below it.

Your cheat sheet for the day. And should you desire to look further, go here.

Your cheat sheet for the day. And should you desire to look further, go here.

Holy shit.
I feel like I’m losing my mind:
I can’t let myself feel grief right now.
I can’t let myself feel anger right now.
I have to be a rock.
In order to be a rock, I have to experience these emotions.
If I experience the true depths of my emotions, it will damn near kill me.
I don’t have time for that.

You know why?

Because I have to be a rock.

Go ahead… what logical fallacy am I falling prey to today?

Eheheheheh. Cartoon by the very funny Steve Sekula

Eheheheheh. Cartoon by the very funny Steve Sekula

(*note: I really will be okay. I just needed to get it out. I honestly don’t think a death has ever affected me as much as [I don’t want to admit] this one has. And I need to research what happens, in detail, when lava meets sea water. I’m just too damn tired to acknowledge that my extended metaphor is entirely useless and inaccurate, not to mention full of pedantic syntax and diction.)

And oh yeah… hey, cancer: blow me.

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