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disaster! headdeskking disaster!

October 23, 2013

TLTL is back to liking things I post on Facebook, saying how depressed he is, but you know, still can’t get it together to love someone fully.

And, TIA, well… shit. There are some potential problems that I see cropping up. Like that I still sort of can’t quite gauge what he thinks of me. Or of men or women at all. It makes my heart stop. It makes think I could be looking into a mirror at myself when I watch him sometimes. Not that we are similar looking, not even that we have diverse interests in common, but at the core… we are the same person.

So I tell myself. Because that’s another problem: I don’t know shit about MTIA. I have fictionalized him in my head to a point with which I’m not entirely comfortable. In my head, we are the same oh so tragically wounded soul. There, we are united by a perfectly shared view of gender and sexuality, something neither thought was possible but for which they both still yearned. Shiiiiiiit. It’s in third person already. It’s that bad. I spend that much time daydreaming about him.

And I think he knows. About me writing this. which will mean in a day or so, he’ll have seen this. He’ll know that I’m such a selfish shit that I can’t even wait for people to show me who they are… that I just, just fill in the blanks however I see fit to make it work. For me. Of course, I still long pathetically for that epic love story of finding a 100% true soulmate, and God I hope it’s him, just as I’ve written it in my head (with a little more sex and a little less neuroses, though, maybe). MTIA, if you are who I’ve dreamed up, then I can tell you right now that I will love you for every second of every day of the rest of my life. I am worth the risk, the change, the fear. I believe you are, too.

That’s the great part about fiction. It ends however you say. Today, I say it ends with me remembering that TLTL didn’t care a bit about my passions, which ironically means he will never see me trash him here, and I still feel guilty about being so angry at him.

But then I think of MTIA and the sheer joy that thinking about him brings me. I wanted it to work with TLTL. But he is not the man I wish we was. And MTIA is more than likely not, either.

I have got to sort this mess out. Yesterday two former crushes (one in another country, one on the other side of the same) sought me out to see how I’m doing. Either I’ve got some damn effective visualization  techniques or various friends are being surreptitiously paid off by my family to unseemingly investigate my ever waxing emotional decline.

I’d like to think it’s because I’m a damn good lay.


From → fiction, rants

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