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With a caveat at the end

October 26, 2013

I’m pretty sure my last exchange of the evening went something like this:

“Pooper.”

“Eheheh.” Smile. “Pooper!”

Of course, this morning began with pretty much the same exchange (aside from, “grrrrrrrrrruggggghhh… I have to go chase one of the beasts out of the garbagggggggeeeee…”),

I’m at home with the whole herd today watching one of last night’s NHL games. I have plans to work on a painting, finish a commissioned jewelry piece, maybe play some guitar. I just can’t seem to motivate. I’m really just enjoying the downtime.

MTIA really liked the gifts for his babies; I’m glad I decided to roll with that idea. Of course, there was dinner and cabaret, too, so really, I think I did pretty well for a birthday.

Of course, the night before, he was stumbling his way around parts of the city with TLTL. Awkward? Plenty. It shouldn’t be a big deal. They’re friends. I don’t mind when he comes up in that context, not at all, but it feels as if there is an underlying realization that neither MTIA nor I want to admit: eventually, TLTL and I need to talk. Eventually, MTIA and I might not want to be so secretive about our “friendship.”

Question.

What does the following interaction say about me, my view of and experience with relationships, and my expectation of MTIA’s sanity?

Before falling asleep last night in bed, MTIA picked his head up from the pillow to speak to me in the dark. “I’m gonna flip,” he told me.

“Okay,” I replied. I raised my head so he could move his arm. I watched his silhouette roll over.

He wriggled under the covers and got comfortable, laughed a little. “What if I had said that, ‘I’m going to flip,’ and then just flipped the fuck out?”

I chuckled. “That’s sort of what I was anticipating, actually. Watching you roll over and get comfortable was a pleasant surprise.”

Either MTIA knew that I was speaking from experience and playing around, or he doesn’t really care whether or not I have faith in his sanity.  We both laughed quietly a little more as we drifted toward sleep.

Should I be learning something about myself here? About MTIA?

I think it bears noting that I’ve drawn a few conclusions about MTIA that may not be true, or that, at the very least, were premature. I have assumed him to be a mirror image of certain aspects of my personality, and that’s not really fair (not to mention that it makes me feel like a really shallow asshole).

I don’t really need to talk to TLTL. I feel like I SHOULD talk to him, but just in case things head south between MTIA and me. I want to love TLTL. I want him to be the man he used to be. But the part of me that believes that he still exists dies away a little more each day. Conversely, I enjoy my time with MTIA more and more.

I remind myself – do not change for him. There is nothing about yourself you should change. Okay, maybe you should be wittier so that you could tell a joke to save your life or at least get the jokes other people tell, but really, do not change.  And remember, Twig: even when you changed for TLTL, he didn’t notice.

What is most needed is time. I don’t want to have my heart broken again. Right now, things are good just as they are. So I’ll continue to keep my distance from TLTL, and be happy with the way things are with MTIA and me.

Except for one thing.

I met his roommate. Goddamn Scorpios and their insane sexuality. The roommate does not like me. I do not like the roommate. Why do Scorpios have to seemingly fuck everything that walks? Jesus. Now she’s in love with him. *headdesk*

Sigh. Yes. I’m jealous. And being unfairly judgmental. And I was unbelievably catty to the roommate when we met yesterday. MTIA tried hard to buffer it, but here’s the thing: HE was the one who pulled us together in the same place at the same time, knowing full well how it would likely go. Why did he make that happen? Was it merely convenience? To get it over with? To watch a cat fight break out over him? Who knows.

I AM learning from this, though, and this is something I need to tell him: I don’t like her because I am not her. I can never be her, not to mention that I honestly don’t ever want to have the really bossy and patronizing attitude she takes with him on occasion. But he loves her; she is his best friend. By proxy, there must be good in her – unless he has mommy issues (which, who knows, he could). I choose to believe for now that I am just seeing the worst parts of her, just as she is seeing some of the worst of me. At least, I hope this is the worst of me.

Okay, okay. It’s time to go paint.

Well, several hours later, I’ve done some artsy things and had a serious mood swing out of nowhere at the thought of not being invited out with a group of friends because shit is sour between TLTL and me. Grrrr… I need to just own up and not avoid him. What the fuck do I care what he’s doing? And why should I care with MTIA is doing? Oh, right. I want to belong.

I keep forgetting about that human need. Annoying. I definitely need to just do my own thing for a while more. But really, I’m trying not to care about TLTL. Or MTIA. I need to care about Twig. Maybe I should ask one of my girlfriends to finally hook me up with an old friend of hers that she’s always wanted to see me with.  Or maybe I should just go wallow for a while on the couch. Guh.

 

Yeah, definitely that last option.

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From → fiction, rants

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