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c’mon, seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

October 30, 2013

Yesterday, TLTL texted to see how I was. And then that was all.

Last night I hung out with MTIA. He’s just…gorgeous. At three am, so tired I could barely walk, we stood at my car, kissing softly, making vague whispered plans for brunch on Friday. If he saw me earlier that night, wrapped happily in a mutual female friend’s arms, he didn’t say anything. Or he doesn’t care. What the hell am I thinking? Of course, many mutual friends of TLTL and MTIA saw MTIA  and me together. Multiple people that know either of us have assumed we are a couple. Has it gotten back to TLTL? Perhaps me hanging on a girl was a very good thing. Maybe THAT will get back to TLTL.

Today, out of nowhere, my photographer friend (I have not yet decided that he needs an acronym) sends me a message on Facebook:
You rock.

We haven’t really spoken since I asked him to dinner. When he didn’t respond, I couldn’t imagine that I had read him wrong, I remember thinking. But I must have. But now there is this. He is a direct sort of person, I’ve come to realize. He asks me what I’ve been up to, just as a point of interest, I suppose. He tells me he’s been studying a language. The conversation dwindles, both of us having wandered off to get lord knows what work done, I suppose. I read back through older conversations first with him, and then with MTIA and TLTL. I notice that I care about them a little more (or a lot more) than they seem to care about me. I text TLTL to wish him luck with his tour that begins tomorrow.  He calls me “kid” in his thank you reply. I used to know how I felt about that; I liked it very much. Now I’m less sure: MTIA told me once that TLTL calls various people “kid” or “kiddo.”

Why, exactly, do I rock?

And why do I let myself get flustered over MTIA the way I do? I don’t think he feels the same way about he and I that I do. And what would I do if TLTL ever got his shit together? (Not that this is going to happen, let’s be real.) I should just roll with the punches, convince myself that TLTL IS coming back for good and that I’m using MTIA for a good time.

But what I really want is to be important to him. I want to be able to tell him any and every secret I’ve kept from everyone else in the world. I want him to know what really goes on inside my head, and I want to be a better person because of him.

I don’t think it will work out that way. On the other hand, when I asked him to text me tonight to let me know he’s gotten in safely from work and a night of carousing, he called me “babe.” Maybe it wasn’t serious. *shrug* Maybe it was?

It feels like a piece of me might die when he and I aren’t together in the future. It feels like maybe I should cuddle up tonight with a knife, safe under warm, protecting blankets so I can remember what it used to feel like. It’s been… years. I’ll fall asleep dreaming of the way he stares at me sometimes behind all the black eyeliner, as if he was daring me to crawl inside his head and see what’s there. He bites his bottom lip and I think of the tiny, appreciative, and almost girlish sounds he makes when I playfully bite on his ear in bed. It’s not such a far stretch to picture him holding a razor, grinning as he moves toward me.


From → fiction, rants

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