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November 1, 2013

I’m an idiot.

Never facebook stalk a social media guru.

Tonight, I was poking around on the photographer’s page, then forgot later I was still on his page and not my own when I decided to make a post.

“Here I am, now entertain me.”

As soon as I posted it, I realized what I had done and deleted it.

A minute later, I get a message from the photographer. “Posting on my wall? You cyber stalker. I was about to do something entertaining, too, but you deleted it.”

“Dammit,” I replied. “So busted.”

Unfortunately, I’m no closer to understanding him now than I was a week ago. I did, however, let him know about some volunteer work I’d be doing next week with a local organization he and I both support, invited him to join me. That’s what actually seems to have prompted this latest flurry of discussion, though he never said anything about the invitation (just like dinner).

Right now, I feel like MTIA is off limits. His best friend died this week, so naturally, he’s out of sorts. He’s okay for a while, but then he’ll say something so… biting about death that it shocks me. He is hurting badly, I know. He has not experienced this kind of loss before. I don’t even want to write about it. It’s heartbreaking to see, and to not be there for him. I feel like all I can do is give him space and be there to support him. If he’d rather lean on TLTL or his roommate, there’s really nothing for me to do it say about it. I suspect he will cancel brunch tomorrow. And that will be the end.

I keep thinking, if I were to date a few of the local crushes I have all at the same time, would my need to be given enough attention be spread out for all of them to handle? Maybe I’d be less obsessed with MTIA. Less with TLTL, too. Maybe I should give this serious consideration.

Because yeah, I still am in love with TLTL. Of course. So while it’s so easy to say I’ve written him off, it’s another altogether to admit that  I’m really just letting it all fade into the background while he’s on tour for a few days before coming home again. Because I truly expect him to get in touch with me. I expect us to have phenomenal sex and for everything to work out.


No, sometimes I really do believe that.

I hope to be able to tell him the ex is working on moving stuff out. I hope he’ll have a bone to throw me, too. Maybe we can have dinner and drinks, I tell myself. Just as friends. The thing is, I know full well that when I approach him as just friends, as I make myself off limits, that’s exactly when he wants me most.

Why the fuck do I love this guy? Remind me. I need to make a list of his pros and cons, because I feel like there are way more cons and that I’m just being an idiot to keep talking to him.

If the photographer doesn’t show up at the volunteer event, then I’m done with him. Not because I’d be mad or anything, but simply because if he can’t be there to spend a little time with me doing something for the community we care about, then I’m not going to try to keep catching his attention. We can continue to bump into one another, occasionally chat back and forth.

As for the rest… who the hell knows.

Right now, I’m too tired to care. I’d like to feel that way tomorrow, except without the tired. Every goddamn last one of them an artist, too. Why can’t I just settle down with a surgeon or something? Why is it always artists with me?  They’re all in the arts in some form of performance.

Just shoot me.

None of these can end well.

If I could just steel my nerves enough to distance myself from MTIA, I COULD give him the support he needs most right now. I could let him cry into my lap without judgment, and I’d smooth his hair, brush it out of his eyes.  Wipe away tears. Nothing more.

I’d have  TLTL as a drinking buddy sometimes. And sometimes I’d fuck one of his friends or exes for a while.

And I’d never love someone romantically again. It’s not what I really want, though. At all.


From → fiction, rants

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