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November 12, 2013

Tonight I went out with TLTL for dinner and a movie. (Really, you didn’t see that one coming? Really?)

We did not kiss. We did not hold hands. We did not sleep together. I just kept missing MTIA.

While MTIA’s brother was in town, MTIA prepped him to greet me with a handshake and our favorite offensive punchline from a great comedian . See, that’s affection. A silly little gesture means so much. With TLTL tonight, I know there’s something there, but I felt awkward and confused, like what we really need is to start over. But it will always end the same… in pain and degradation.

I cried my way silently through the (sad) movie, thinking of everything I have lost, everyone I have lost, everyone I will hurt or lose in time. MTIA would have held me, would have felt me shaking next to him, heard my  staggered breathing. He would have cried with me. With TLTL, it’s different. I saw him wipe away his own tears with the same subtlety I had been aiming for. We cried to ourselves, never leaning on one another. Tonight is just like any other night with us. We never let go of our safety nets to let the other in.

Granted, MTIA and I hold a lot in from one another, but I know he’s there for me as much as I am for him. I know he knows the same. We need time.  We are relearning to trust.

Today he called me gay, so I called him a fag. Laughter ensued. We’re really mature.

Last week, during a loud joking argument, the following dialogue played out:

Twig: i couldn’t reach your drink! I tried!

MTIA: you couldn’t reach two more inches?  c,mon. Seriously. You of all people in this room know what two inches looks like.

There is a sudden hush in the bar. The innuendo isn’t lost on the bar’s patrons. I hear an acquaintance a table over whisper: Wait, are they fucking?  Did you know they were fucking?

twig, to the entire bar: he’s, um, talking about my ex-boyfriend.

There was a round of laughter. Crisis averted. Now there’s a group of people wondering whether I, TLTL, or MTIA has a two inch cock, though, I’m afraid. Funny.

But it was the first time he has referenced us being together in any way beyond friendship in public, and later that night, he kissed me in front of his roommate.

Watch it all fall apart tomorrow, though, since he and I are a bunch of bipolar genderqueers who can’t get their shit together.

Time, twig, give it time.

MTIA, I adore you as much as I did the first time I met you. I wish I could mean as much to you.


From → fiction, rants

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