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I will not call him my soulmate

November 16, 2013

I went to breakfast with TLTL this morning before he had to head out of town again for another show. It occurred to me early this morning that while I still mostly don’t want to date him, I haven’t given him enough credit for the sweetness he DOES show from time to time: the way he’ll put a favorite song on the stereo to share it, the way he says, “you look really nice today” out of nowhere. MTIA, however, also does these things.

Today has not been good for MTIA, he says in a text, adding that he is just trying to reach out. I text him and tell him I’m there for him, ask if he  wants to talk, or even just be held. He does not respond. I wish I could make it better. I want to tell him I love him. I won’t, though. It would be an egregious show of bad taste and timing.

As I waited for TLTL to get dressed this morning, I flipped back on his bed as I’ve often done. “Your stomach,” he said. “You have a cut on your stomach.” Damnit. I didn’t realize my sweater had risen up so high.

“I do?” I asked stupidly, looking down as if surprised. It hurts like hell. “Oh, wow, I do.”

“What happened?”  he asked me.

I shrugged. “Who knows. With the number of brawls that break out amongst the herd on the daily, I probably got scratched by one of them in the midst of chaos.” I proceeded to tell him about two (legitimate) mystery scratches on the back of my right arm, and about how I walked into my end table last week. “You know what a doofus I am,” I said. He smiled, knowing this is true. I fall over everything. Whether he believed me or not about my stomach,  he didn’t say.

I’m so clearly not capable of trying to help MTIA heal. I can’t even kiss away his tears. I need to write him a letter, at least. I want him to know it will be okay. And that I will be there to hold him when it seems like it can’t ever be, and to love life with him when it is. I plan on avoiding the use of the word “soulmate.”

ETA: I find it amusing as I add the tag “dating,” that my phone pops up three suggested words to follow it: artists, relationships, and TLTL’s actual name. Harhar.

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From → fiction, rants

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