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Worst Case Scenario

November 30, 2013

I’ve been thinking a lot about what could happen with MTIA. I’ve come up with 6 potential barest of bones scenarios.

Best to Worst Case Scenario:
1) We live happily ever after. BEST.
2) We live happily ever after…after a few bumps along the way. GOOD.
3) Neither of us loves the other. We stay wonderful friends. OKAY (interchangeable with 4).
4) I learn to handle open relationships and come to love them. OKAY (interchangeable with 3).
5) I quit loving him, but he ends up wanting more.  FAIL.
6) He quits loving me (platonic or otherwise), but I continue loving him. WORST.

Really, only two of them are failures, and only one of them ends in heartbreak for me. And these scenarios are on a continuum, perhaps three dimensionally, so that they encompass all possible scenarios – which are, I think, infinite – without creating scenarios that conflict with one another. There’s some other two dimensional design that might work, but I can’t remember what the hell it’s called. Go figure.

I chatted online very briefly with MTIA last night. I happened to wake up and see he had written back “thanks” to my previous message. I don’t think he expected me to respond, because when I did, he bowed out for sleep pretty quickly (which, fine, is fair). He asked how I was. I answered honestly, which was more or less “meh,” and he didn’t comment on it. Now that he’s done with work today, now that he’s been home and on facebook, it makes me sad that he hasn’t sent me a message of some kind. It would be nice for him to text me well wishes and good mornings and such, like TLTL used to do, and like I enjoy doing. If you’re thinking about me during the day, tell me.

But Twig, he’s not thinking about you. You are in love with someone who will never love you back. Wake up and learn to handle scenario 6. Turn 6 into 3 or 5. Detach. Immediately. I will never be enough for him, and he will never be enough for me. And yet, I keep stalking his facebook to see if he commented on anyone else’s page. I find he has. I get jealous. I can’t take it. I deactivate Facebook again. I’m being ridiculous.

I had a dream last night that MTIA said to me, “We need to talk,” and it was, of course, all about how he doesn’t love me, doesn’t want to even try to love me, and that I’m simultaneously too much and not enough. In other words, I’m more than enough of all the wrong things. When I have these dreams, I know my subconscious is trying to wake me up to something I haven’t been paying enough attention to. It wants to protect me. It knows something isn’t right.

Hell, my CONSCIOUS me knows a lot isn’t right.
I need.
to walk.
away.

Instead, I want to write him poetry and surprise him with rink-side hockey tickets. Why do I keep getting everything so wrong???

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From → fiction, rants

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