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I Am Foolish.

December 8, 2013

I swear that TLTL and MTIA are on the same man-cycle. Lately, they either both want to spend time with me or neither of them does. Neither ever seems to want more than a good lay.

In a brief chat with MTIA, he invited me out to see a friend’s play; I declined. TLTL invited me over for sex and video games. I declined that, too. We joked around a bit, and TLTL then sends me a text:

TLTL: Oh jeez. This is hard.
Twig: What?
TLTL: Ya know.
Twig: Oh, about us? Do you want me not to text you?
TLTL: No, but I don’t know what’s going on.
(Of course he doesn’t… he never makes up his freaking mind.)
Twig: Why don’t we just hang out and see how things go? I just want us both to be on the same page, whatever we decide is going on.

So he invited me over to watch a movie tomorrow. I accepted. Do I want to jump him? Definitely. Will I? Ehhhhhh… I need to learn to keep it in my pants. I did explain to TLTL that my back is still too screwed up to make me any fun in bed. And now that I’m out of Vicodin, well, just “boo.”

So I guess the dick pic I received via text the other day from tltl wasn’t a joke. I am a horrible person: I showed the picture to my best friend. She wasn’t impressed.

I met my parents for dinner tonight, which was nice, except the route to the restaurant was practically paved with accidents, and then the same thing on the way home. The upside was putting a Hawksley Workman track on repeat so I could sing it again and again and again. At dinner, we were discussing why chicken and turkey skin are both so bad for you. I said, “I don’t understand how it can be so bad when it’s so thin,” and then added, “Human skin is pretty thick. I wonder if it would be bad for you, too.” They just stared at me. Damn my lack of a filter.

Mind you, I have no desire to eat human flesh (or any other part). Animal meat is disgusting enough for me, thank you very much. And I don’t really feel like eating anything still anyway. I ate a few bites of everything at dinner, and now have leftovers for the next few days. In discussing my health, my therapist said she’d be happy to bring me food.

Yeah. I’m that pathetic.

My therapist is offering to cook for me.

“You’re not yourself,” she said to me today. No. Shit. I shrugged instead of thinking out loud – I guess I do occasionally have a filter.

Am I ever myself, really? I wonder who I really am anymore.

A while back, TLTL and I had a crazy night of cruising around in a limo making all sorts of trouble everywhere. At big gay karaoke, I think that “I love you,” fell drunkenly out of my mouth. Then someone handed me a shot. I remember starting to panic shortly thereafter, and TLTL was squeezing my hand, trying to talk me into making some sense. “You don’t know me,” I sobbed. “I’m not the same person I used to be.”

TLTL hugged me tightly. “Yes, you are,” he whispered in my ear. “I have always loved you. And I always will. No matter who you think you are… today, tomorrow, or the day after. It doesn’t matter. Twig, I love who you are.”

I pulled away to look him in the eyes. All four of them. Surprise surprise: Twig was very, very drunk. And though I can’t fully recall as a result, I am pretty sure TLTL was even more drunk. Surprise surprise. This is good, though, as I disclosed something to him in that drunken, heart-achingly sweet moment. And in supporting me, so too did TLTL disclose something about himself. These things that MTIA seems to naturally just know about me, I told to TLTL that night. I will never say it again. Not to him. Not to MTIA. Who am I kidding? Of course it will come falling out of my mouth at some point if MTIA and I manage to work through everything.

Which, as it turns out,  may happen. I’m not getting my hopes up.  Today I told MTIA about the hockey tickets. He is actually excited! He messages me to tell me how his night went, adding “look forward to many hugs, yes.” That’s all I need. God, I hope I got good seats.

Don’t get your hopes up with MTIA, Twig.

What a dick. “Got groped  tonight,”  he posted. I need to make it so I don’t get his notifications sent to me every time he posts. *headdesk*

Didn’t you notice, Twig, that MTIA is only being nice to you because he feels guilty about the tickets? Don’t fool yourself into thinking there’s anything but guilt behind his words. The invitations are meaningless beyond feeling sorry for you. You are such a fucking idiot sometimes, Twig. NO ONE WELL EVER LOVE YOU.

I have been suckered by both of these guys. Again. I am an idiot.


From → fiction, rants

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