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(A Note) On Condoms

December 14, 2013

I find it incredibly disturbing when my dog shits a condom.

(How’s THAT for an introduction?)

One day, he rummaged under a bedroom pillow and ate five of them. He tears the wrappers open and then eats the condoms. Or he digs in the trash for some, which freaks me to no end. And, of course, I worry that he will choke or that they will get stuck in his intestines. But my dog isn’t. The only thing he’s worried about is where his next condom meal is coming from.

He might have to wonder for a while.

I picked MTIA up for the hockey game tonight, and used his bathroom. Beside the toilet was a used condom. My heart sank. Could it have been the CAB’s doing? Sure, but it isn’t likely. The CAB made all sorts of rules about how they can’t bring people home. She left town yesterday, which means after careening around the city in a drunk stupor, MTIA very may well have found a gorgeous, vapid guy to bring back to the empty house. And surely it can’t have been there since before he and I met back in September; THAT might be more disturbing than the thought of him with someone else.

Conclusion: He fucked someone last night. It wasn’t me.

I was feeling sort of shitty for shacking up with both him and TLTL during the course of the week, but MTIA has me beat – he fucked two people in a single DAY. Actually, that doesn’t make me feel any less shitty. It makes the pain worse. I’m every bit as shitty as MTIA is. His actions don’t justify mine. One’s personal ethics shouldn’t be relative.

How did he not see the condom there every time he went to piss?!

So it isn’t very surprising that thinking about the damn condom made me feel even worse when MTIA cancelled our plans for after the game just as we were leaving it. He was so exhausted that he fell asleep during both intermissions; I know he was sincerely tired. Still, I really needed reassurance and affection from him tonight. I didn’t say that to him, naturally, and instead settled on playing the role of imperturbable ray of sunshine. I tried to make him feel less guilty about canceling. I tried listing as many reasons for why it was better for me to head home anyway. I was all smiles.

Why am I so damn nice to him? Why am I still so nice to TLTL?!

To be fair, both have been very kind, sweet, and supportive to me on various occasions.

However; when I show some affection, I’d appreciate some back. Put your arm around me, goddammit! Why do I always have to put my arm around you? Or rest my hand on your knee?

Again, to be fair, at least to MTIA, there have been countless moments of affection between us, even at the game. The first time he fell asleep, I had my arm around him and he was resting his head on my shoulder. I sat as still as I could to let him sleep for a few minutes, with my head resting on his so that I could feel how on my cheeks how soft his hair was. Thousands of people milled around us, but in that moment, I completely stopped seeing and hearing them.

Then on the other hand, even though TLTL wants to go to a fairly expensive dinner tomorrow after we hit the mall, I can’t help feeling that he’s asking for my company because he knows I’m willing to schlepp his ass there and back. I expect I’ll pick up the restaurant tab, too. Oh boy. I can’t wait.

Dear Gentlemen:

Screw. You.

Love always,

Twig Anothy, PhD.
Idiot Extraordinaire

And finally, a note on how much I hate the CAB:
On our way out of his house before the game, MTIA said, “I expect we’ll take pictures tonight, huh?”
“Yeah, probably, why?” I said.
Well, since you’re wearing CABs really old and prized jersey…” his voice trailed off.
“Do you want me to not take pictures?” I asked him. I was still trying to recover finding the condom, and I wonder if he heard the hurt in my voice.
He stopped me before I could tell him that I understood his point exactly. “No, no, it’s not that. It’s just like-”
“Don’t get the jersey in the picture. Crop it.” I shrugged nonchalantly (I hope.)
“Not even that,” he said, looking at me with some concern. “Just… block it so that the CAB can’t see it. Are you friends? No, probably you aren’t friends. Are you friends?”
I gave him my best “huh????” facial  expression.
“Are you friends with the CAB on Facebook?” he asked me again. I guess you have to be friends with someone to use the block feature. Ironic.
At this point, I stopped walking toward the car and stared at him, slack-jawed. Now here’s the thing: as much as I may hate someone, I tend to keep my bad attitude to myself when I know that a friend or family member loves that person. It is certainly not like me to say something like what came tumbling out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Am I friends with who? The CAB? You have got to be fucking kidding me! We are definitely not Facebook friends, and thank god, never will be. Oh fucking God no!”
I have to hand it to him; he barely missed a beat, barely let the shock register on his face as he heard me uncharacteristically disparage his best friend. Oh, of course I apologized immediately. He didn’t bring it up again.

I would blame it on the Wellbutrin, but it’s not the Wellbutrin causing my erratic outbursts and behavior. I am just too lazy to care to demonstrate even a modicum of propriety and self-restraint. Because if tomorrow plays out the way it’s scheduled, then I will be “hanging out with” aka “not dating”  both MTIA and TLTL . As if that wasn’t bad enough on its own, I’ve just realized it wouldn’t be the first time I did that to TLTL. The last time something similar happened, I chose someone else over him. This past August, he cried to me on the phone, “I know you have a lot of thinking to do, but I’m telling you now, if you don’t pick me, you are making the wrong fucking choice.” As he said it, fury crept into his voice, but it didn’t upset me; on the contrary, I thought it was sweet of him to be so open and honest.The fact that less than a month later he was blowing me off tends to make me now write off his comment as the drunk recall of poignant emotions from our past together.

At least MTIA has the painting I gave to him hanging up in his house. So that’s good.

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