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Fun with Misanthropy and Self-loathing

December 15, 2013

I sort of lost it again tonight. I cancelled plans with TLTL, and just sobbed for a while. TLTL kept texting me supportive little notes, but it didn’t help. It just makes me feel worse.

It isn’t just about TLTL and MTIA, though. It’s about my sister, and her not being here. I want to just sleep from now until January.

“You can’t do that,” TLTL told me.
I thought about it. “Yeah, but I can refuse to leave the house or talk to anyone. So there’s that.” I think maybe I was joking, but I don’t really know anymore.
“Coward,” he replied. “Don’t become a hermit, kiddo. You have to face things.”
No, I thought. I really don’t. Instead, I tried to choose my words more carefully. “I really can’t right now. Everything is just too much. I’m sorry for being such a baby,” I apologized. Because this is all rather quite embarrassing. And part of why I generally don’t reach out. I turned the ringer off on my phone and went to sleep.

When I woke up, it was 2am. MTIA had wanted to maybe get together tonight after he went out with some other friends. He never called. Game over.

I am useless in relationships, whether they be familial, romantic, or platonic. Life is not really working out as I had planned. I need to take a break for a while. I need to step away from the chaos and sadness. This is all well and good, but I can’t get away from myself.

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