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I am a thinker.

December 26, 2013

This does not,by any means, imply that I am an intelligent one.

When my body or hands are occupied but my brain is free to wander, it does so in the most peculiar ways.

As a teenager, and even today in traffic, I calculate mathematical equations. To a certain degree, I think this helped me as a competitive long-distance swimmer. Because I could calculate my average speed, my competitors’ average speeds, and then manipulate the variables for various winning rate increases, I had an upper hand. Naturally, it helped that I had the sleek torso and broad shoulders of a successful swimmer.

I bring all this up this morning because I was bored and not feeling particularly inclined to deal with the pile of work I’ve got here. I shut my eyes and listened for a moment. It’s only 8am. I don’t hear my dickhead neighbor shoveling as many sidewalks as he can in an effort to shove his goddamn altrusitc cock of good deeds down everyone elses’s throat.

No, seriously. He’s a dick. I shove my feet into my boots, throw on my arc’teryx jacket and am out the door, noting with satisfaction that he hasn’t started showeling. I live on a corner, so I shoveling my property is the equivalent of three. But then, because I love my next door neighbor and the two new families down from her, I go ahead and shovel all that. Oh, and I live across from a church – on a corner, so I shoveled them out, too.

By the time my dickhead neighbor came out, I was almost done with the equivalent of 6 properties. He scowled at me and it made me wonder exactly why he’s just so goddamn mean. When I still couldn’t figure it out (I’ve been trying for three years now) , my mind turned to comedy.

I didn’t have any paper with me, but here’s what I remember, in rough rough rough form…

I’m hoping you’ll be nice to me, because I have an extremely fragile ego. This is my first open mic night, folks, in the sense that you go to your favorite dive bar which advertises its “Grand Opening – Every Friday and Saturday Night DOLLAR DRAFT’S FROM 5 to 9!” (And yes, the sign has an apostrophe in “drafts.”)

I wish I could do that with my virginity. (I was most definitely thinking about this part while shoveling the church.) Some of you, you know – those “in the know,” may have some knowledge of my recent trysts – like the town bicycle, everyone gets a ride. I used to tell that joke with clowns and clown cars because, hey, comedians are funny, and clowns, who are sort of like comedians, are funny (until one eats your pet bunny when you’re six), but here’s the problem with the alternate form: I’m like the town clown car: everyone fits in at the same time. Not a good image. I’m more like the Scion Smart FourTwo. Except without the smart.

DAMNIT. I had to walk away from this for 12 hours and can’t remember a damn thing I wanted to write now. 😦


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