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2014: The Year I Say “Fuck You” an AWFUL Lot.

January 2, 2014
I don't always throw a shit fit, but when I do, look out.

I don’t always throw a shit fit, but when I do, look out.

It all started with throwing a bunch of earthenware. I don’t remember why, and it appears that there’s at least one wine glass in there. This is the night that I don’t know remember leaving the bar where MTIA blew me off (he has now emailed to tell me two versions: 1 – he wasn’t avoiding me, 2 – he was avoiding me because he didn’t know how to tell me he met someone in whom he was interested, that lying sack of shit). Anyway, I came home. I think this this was the same night, anyway. I can’t remember very much very clearly, and, in fact, don’t know if I’ve already discussed this. I think I’m losing my mind.

I asked my psychiatrist if I am crazy, and he told me that I wouldn’t understand him if he did tell me that, so he wasn’t going to tell me I was crazy. “Soooooo… I AM crazy,” I replied.

“Shit, Twig, for the love of God, that’s not what I said.” (Really, this is how my psychiatrist talks to me. We also talk about hockey.)

“But it’s what you didn’t say,” I told him. He shook his head at me and laughed in defeat. “You want to be crazy, be crazy. But you’re not crazy.”

So I’m pretty sure I AM crazy. Or SOMETHING. I wonder what my diagnosis is. It seems strange that doctors tell people when they have cancer, or the flu, or diabetes – but how often is a patient given a clear mental health diagnosis? Or is it only me that this seems to happen to?

But at least I have enough room now for my favorite mugs. There are two highlights to me throwing all of this stuff, too:

1) I wasn’t crying or screaming as I did this. When I was done, I swept it all up into the pile pictured and then just pitched it.

2) If an object didn’t break the first time I threw it, I’d pick it up and threw it harder.

Needless to say, I derived great satisfaction from this.

Ironically, despite MTIA’s own confessed anger and destruction issues, he has passed plenty of judgement on me for my shit fit.

After the last two emails I received from him, as a result, I took it upon myself to smash the overpriced framed print he bought for me on our second “non-date.”  The results, admittedly, are somewhat less impressive.

shit fit round 2

shit fit round 2

I call it “Art: Re-purposed.”

In his last email, in response to my saying that I’m a hopeless romantic, he said, in effect, “Honey, I know hopeless romantic, and you’re just a slut. Quit kidding yourself.”

So you can imagine how the second shit fit sprang naturally from reading that.

Oh, MTIA, if only you could see: the reason you think people use you and toss you aside is because you turn into a douche. If you treat people like shit, expect to be treated similarly by those who have at least a modicum of self-respect. So fuck you. YOU are the one losing out. I’m the one with a stable home life, stable income, and am at least fighting to regain my mental stability.

See, I knew fucking a Scorpio was a bad idea.

Before I knew it, I was sobbing on the phone to TLTL, saying, “What hurts the most is not losing my friendship with MTIA, but having to tell you all of this.” I know that my having been with MTIA for two months hurts him. “I thought you’d never speak to me again when you found out,” I said.

“You’ll have to try harder if that’s your objective.”

Still, everything just feels broken inside of me, as shattered as the things I’ve smashed in the past week. In one hour and 48 minutes, I can go to bed. Until then, I’m sitting at my work station on call should someone need me to actually do work; since no one needs me, I’m going to go make french fries.

If I burn the house down, it’s going to suck. I’ve never used a deep fryer before, but fuck you, deep fryer; I’m going to go learn.

I might learn to use my percussion drill next.

Look out world, I’m a faggot with a deep fryer and a drill. Fuck it all!

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One Comment
  1. Ha looks like you did have a good fit there! 🙂 You should have seen me after I was off my medication for a month! I knocked my water over on accident and then proceeded to have a fit and threw practically everything in my room on the floor. It felt good doing that at the time. Not so good when it took me all day to clean it all up.
    I have a sign I found at Target that sums me up perfectly!
    It says “I live in my own little world but it’s ok because they know me here!

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