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So that’s what rock bottom feels like: The End

January 6, 2014

Or rather, it’s as close to rock bottom as I can afford to come without being hospitalized.

TLTL nearly gave up on me, and I made my mother cry again. I couldn’t force myself to do my work.

“It’s like you’re refusing help,” TLTL told me in a text. “Quit being stupid, or I need a break from this.”

I sobbed. I sobbed some more while I tried to get a bit of work done.

I still feel like crying, and my breath comes in and out in ragged, pained sighs, but I’m calming down.

I hate when I make my mother cry.

Maybe TLTL will still give up on me, but if not, I really ought to quit calling him TLTL. He may have been, just the right thing at the right time.

Oh, no. Check that. TLTL just turned back into a ginormous douche. I suspect he’s trying to give me a swift kick in the emotional ass, but he’s said he’s had enough. When I wouldn’t come over for a booty call, he flipped out via text, said he tried to hang himself today, and that he was busy ordering pizza so he couldn’t call me. I called him, he answered, said, “I DON’T WANT TO TALK,” and promptly hung up.

Seriously, who orders a pizza AND tries to hang themselves? The order of the events is irrelevant: “Oh shit, this pizza is so bad I want to die,” versus “Well, I was a failure at hanging myself, so I guess I’ll go eat a pizza.” It’s pathetic either way.

What ensued from there was an epic battle via text where I apologized sincerely and far more than I feel I ought to have, and him telling me that I’m trying to guilt trip him. Just like MTIA said that I’m trying to lay all the blame on him.

Fuck you both. I have apologized for being depressed. I have given you the chance to walk away. You BOTH told me we were not dating, but then got upset when you found out I was sleeping with other people. Sure, I was upset, too. But I acknowledge my faults and my flaws.

So screw you both.

TLTL will likely text me tomorrow like nothing happened. Or he won’t. I really don’t give a flying fig. I’m buried in work, have a ton of shit to get done to the point of missing my friend’s viewing and funeral.

MTIA won’t give the painting back because he thinks I plan on destroying it, which is not the case. TLTL offered to help me get it back, but now that he’s bugged out on me, I’m at a loss. I’ve decided to apologize once more with no blame to either guy and then just walk away.

That’s it. I pick up the pieces. I learn not to be a slut. I walk away.

Don’t you just hate when a story has a shitty ending but you can’t really get mad about it because that’s just how life works?

Each story leads into another anyway. Who knows what Twig will dream up next, but as I’m entirely sick of all that TLTL and MTIA represent, I sure as hell hope to GOD that it doesn’t involve either of them.


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