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Today I hurt.

January 10, 2014

Last night, I made the horrid mistake of watching Velvet Goldmine, which I honestly had forgotten to watch for all these years. I wish I had watched it sooner. It left me sad. Years ago, it would not have. It just broke my heart on too many levels, and I don’t need that right now.

TLTL has been virtually silent for two days. As usual, I panic. When I ask him if everything is okay, he does not respond. I view MTIA’s profile, and it breaks my heart all over again to see mushy posts between him and his girlfriend. He never made mushy posts on my timeline. Twig, you have to realize he never loved you. Not even enough for real friendship since he isn’t talking to you. You have to face it. And you need to realize that Too Little Too Late is named so for a reason. Even if it’s just because he’s been busy, remember that he is constantly playing with his phone. If he doesn’t respond within 4 hours, he’s chosen not to. He’s never going to be able to focus his attention solely on you unless it is to his benefit (he’s lonely, he’s bored, he’s horny, he needs something). You know this is true.

And you also know that TLTL and MTIA had a performance together earlier this week, and likely ran into each other last night, too. They drink too much… and then they start talking.

And the next thing you know, I come out of all this looking like am a complete shit head, that this is all my fault when they each need to own up to their respective shares of responsibility in all of the anger, sadness, and tension that now exist.

I know this isn’t fair. (And I’m not saying I shouldn’t have made different choices myself, either.)

So why am I letting it hurt me? They both suck. I will find a partner.

Somewhere, I know… somewhere I will find a partner to move to the country with, with a creek nearby. We will garden, develop a more ecologically sustainable lifestyle. We will not lie to one another. We will keep all each other’s secrets. We will spend early mornings drinking coffee and doing crosswords, and make time each we to talk about life, about love, about politics, and finances. We will raise a child. My partner will pick up the slack that results from my ridiculous inability to demonstrate my own philosophy of choices and consequences. We will travel. We will read books. We will fall in love with new music. We will fall in love with each other every day… except maybe on those occasions were a disagreement is inevitable, like when I don’t clean the litter box for two days or… maybe when the lawn doesn’t get mowed (see the use of the passive voice to distance myself from that blame and responsibility??). We will be synergistic, a true partnership.

Despite all this, life won’t be perfect. But it sort of will be, because whoever I choose to love will love me equally, and until death do us part, and maybe not even then, we will never be alone or afraid again.

I want someone who will help me reach the goals I set for myself, but who also helps me ensure I’m setting SMART goals (That’s a genius acronym.). I want someone who texts me throughout the day at random because they are thinking of me, and that when I do the same doesn’t believe it’s because I’m paranoid. I want someone that I don’t have to fix; I love them for who they are (Ok. Aside: Damn English for forcing me to acknowledge the ungrammatical third person gender neutral pronouns.). I don’t want to change who I am. I don’t want to hide who I am. I want to feel safe in my own skin. I want to be as important to my partner as they are to themselves (And yet again, damn you English language.). I want the same to be true for me.

I want us to have mutual friends and separate friends. I want family to matter. I want the most important things in our lives to be our partnership, even though we value other things in life; I want our life to be one where we’re not always looking at greener grass. Instead, we will be satisfied with what we accomplish and what we have. Ambition can be a tragic flaw, but it doesn’t have to be. There has to be a balance… complacency is no better than unchecked ambition. 

And where exactly am I supposed to run across this partner? If I’m not willing to give online dating another go, I’m going to have to leave the house. Shit. I need to somehow get used to life alone. I should value this time, anyway – when I find my partner, I hope to not be alone again for a very long time.

Solitude need not be painful. Negativity can destroy you physically. What is the purpose of obsessively cleaning the house when no one but me sees it? I can go out and do things. I can go to the gym. A lot. I don’t have to meet someone there. I can go read and drink coffee and tea. Hell, I can read a book and drink a beer. I used to do these things. I forced myself to go abroad alone once to force myself to do these things, to face all the scary things in the world like speaking to people I don’t know to order food, get a bus ticket, ask for directions. These are things I have to force myself to do, and they always feel as forced as they actually are.

Today I answered a phone survey that gave me the options of answering  with terms including “transgender” and “gender non-conforming.” It was a pleasant surprise. Sure, I wish it was phrased a little better, but I don’t have any suggestions, so I’ll take what I can get.

Also, I discovered that my pit bull HATES laser pointers. He knows where the source of the light comes from, and he isn’t happy about it. If I’m playing with the other animals with it, I need to watch for sneak attacks from him trying to bite it out of my hand. I’m not sure WHY he suddenly hates the pointer – he used to love chasing it around. At some point, apparently, the pointer offended him. And I still believe, at the end of day, that I will find a partner who loves me and all of the herd, even when civilized behavior is wanting.

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