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Dating, Relationships, Love, & Other Bullsh*t.

January 30, 2014

I have two new crushes, I realized today. Actually, that’s not true. I have had these crushes for years. They just felt too important to risk, though. It’s been two decades. I’m tired of pretending my love for two people doesn’t exist.

So yeah. I have a thing. A, uhm, crush. Two of them. I am resurfacing after a very scary couple of months. I thought I’d never feel joy again as recently as yesterday. I was wrong. In the past three months, I have done a ridiculous amount of drugs, and likely in doses that should have killed a horse. I am not getting them filled again, except for my anxiety medication that actually works and the others that don’t mess with my emotions. I got so high that I passed out holding a cigarette and lit the shoulder of my t-shirt on fire. I burned myself severely with the cherry.  My animals and I duked it out on multiple occasions, and I’m concerned that I may have permanently lost the feeling in my right calf from being bitten by one of them in a duel. Really. I cut myself and don’t remember doing it; I’m missing entire days from my memory. I likely owe MTIA an apology. Actually, I know I do. I knew exactly what would happen if I let myself get sucked in. I don’t know who I thought I’d have been kidding, I knew exactly how fucking bad it would be. I knew I’d be risking my sanity, no joke. I made it back to reality today; I beat the odds.

[I gave my foreigner a name but I can’t remember it so he will henceforth be known simply as Olaf]

Who am I kidding to not acknowledge that I’ve had feelings for Olaf since we met 17 years ago? Don’t I still have some of his poetry from back then? Didn’t we stay friends while I was in college? And when I moved to the city? And when I moved out of it? We used to talk on the phone when he would visit his grandmother’s house. She had a better international calling plan than he did. We lost touch for a bit, but reconnected some on Facebook. Only when I left Facebook did we find the old closeness again.

Last week we video chatted. Despite both of us being familiar with programs like iChat and Skype, we had never seen each other LIVE. Now everything feels different. I am not yet prepared to tell him how I feel. I need… time.

I need to come to terms with being in love with Olaf and someone else at the same time. This other person, well. This other person is everything I want to see in myself, brings out the best parts of me, and sees the world the way I do. We know we aren’t anything special, but we both acknowledge our need to feel like we are anyway… each “knowing” that the other could never love them as fiercely as they do. [The pronouns are going to kill me outright, you know. Let me try something else.] I know I’m not anything special, but I acknowledge the need to feel like I am anyway… I “know” that I could never love me as much as I love me. I know that I feel exactly the same way. This other person… the other person is my everything. I want everything that I am, and I am everything that I want. It is the relationship I thought I’d never know but hoped I would.

It’s hard to get used to happiness, hey? It’s so goddamned beautiful. Maybe Olaf and I are not meant to have all that.

I feel like I’m coming out.
my GOD.

I might take myself on a date this weekend to celebrate all that I am and all that I love.

And I hope Olaf is okay.

I am adjusting my reality to reflect the image of freedom and of reject the notion of isolation or unworthiness. In a perfect world, Olaf and I could be at the center of a Lifetime movie. Or Bravo. Probably Bravo. My mind is apparently building its own sort of Matrix now. Lovely.

No really.


TLTL is going to be PISSED.

Also, my brother used the term “trans-dyke” yesterday while we were chilling in reference to a friend of his. It made me insanely happy.

And then, there’s And One. Holy shit. I’m either having an epiphany or I am seriously fucked.

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