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Time Passes by so slowly…

March 27, 2014

I don’t sleep.

I eat too much chocolate, telling others that I’m trying to prevent childhood obesity.

I wrote TLTL off again, and later that same day, received an email from the newly single and epically depressed MTIA.

Go. Fucking. Figure.

This time with TLTL, it’s… REAL. It’s really over. A day after a text battle (because the good lord forbids we should talk like real adults), he sent me another text: Are you okay?

No, you ass. I’m NOT okay. (That’s not what I said.)

Reply: Is there a particular answer you’re looking for? Everything is fine.

No follow-up.

I WISH I had said, “Hey. Fuckface, you don’t get to ask about me anymore. Ever.”

Because how much can he care if he won’t settle down with me, hm? As usual, I’m good enough for a good lay, but not enough to be someone’s partner. Fuck that noise. So you want to be my friend, and you want to sleep with me, but you don’t want a life with me? What kind of backassward logic is that? Anyone?????

Oh, I know. It’s the logic of a jackwagon.

MTIA sends me a message all, I talked it out with TLTL, and it was hard and it sucked, but we made our peace, and I thought I should make my peace with you… and blah, blah, effing blah.

Reply: Funny, I said my final goodbyes to TLTL just yesterday. I’m glad you two made peace. I hope your relationship is going well. You deserve good things.”

I WISH I had said, “Oh, so that explains an awful lot about TLTL’s shadier than usual behavior. You two league up and make me out to be the bad guy slut-whore extraordinaire.”

So it turns out he’s single, but says that’s not why he’s emailing me, says who knows what the future holds (which could be a proposition, a suicidal ideation, or something entirely different), tells me how it feels like things will never get better and he can’t be in a relationship ever, ever, ever.

I muster some words of comfort, and that’s it, I guess. He apologized. I apologized. And now he has his fucking closure, while I still cry every goddamned day over the man TLTL once was and over the man I so desperately want MTIA to be. I don’t feel like I’ll ever be whole without one or the other of them. And now, it seems it’s all really, honest to goodness OVER.

So I’m going out with a long-time friend tonight to see some comedy, and I hope neither TLTL nor MTIA will be there. I finally changed out of my pajamas at 6pm. I no longer have any interest of going out tonight. I dug around in my laundry until I found a suitably matching clean outfit and made a mental note to a) put away my clean laundry once and for all and b) wash the dirty laundry I’ve let pile up. I threw on a hat. I’m likely underdressed for the venue, but it’s just some comedy. Who gets dressed up to listen to someone tell self-denigrating jokes?

It is nice to know, however, that my friend and I are ONLY friends. Only ever have been, only ever will be. I mean, it would be great to partner into a famous family, but hell, you can’t swing a cat in this town (or at least among most of my friends in town) without hitting someone famous either directly or tangentially; and besides, I’m not really into that. If I ever make use of my “connections,” it’s embarrassing. Having a connection or two ain’t bad, but being the type that uses them for popularity is really sort of shit house.

In lighter news, I was commissioned by my friend A. to do the artwork for her new book. The few people that have seen the artwork have said they’d buy the book based on the cover, which is probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about my work. Granted, it was my father, but I’ll take what I can get. Everyone so far who’s complimented the cover is someone who knows me directly, so I’ll be interested to see what the feedback is like once A’s novel is out in publication in a few weeks.

I’m working 85+ hours a week again, so I barely got the art to the publisher in time, but I guess the healthy stress fueled some creativity. I could have done without being nearly crippled for two weeks as my immune system tried to eat itself again.

Less chocolate.

More super smoothies.

No more TLTL.

No more MTIA.

Who am I without them?

TLTL was the only person I opened up to recently. And that’s gone now, like he’s dead.

I am so not in the mood for comedy, not tonight, even if it is one of my favorite comedians and insanely good seats.

 

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