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No sleep ’til Brooklyn, or at least, well, until I can’t stay awake anymore

April 26, 2014

Apparently, I’m back to no sleep. Or two hours of sleep. I’m off of pain killers again, not taking sleeping pills, and out of anti-anxiety medication for another week or so. My dreams have been entirely too fucked up to explain beyond me falling in love with women who are men, and men who are women, sleeping with TGB from SIATSIA and being miserable over it. I can’t get MTIA or TLTL out of my head while I’m awake, and sleep has been no exception. I’ve tried sleeping in my bedroom again (instead of in one of the spare rooms, the living room, or basement), and I can only think that it feels empty without MTIA there. Christ.

I have to remember how to live. How to interact with people beyond trite interactions with complete strangers while running errands. I told my doctor on Tuesday that I have no friends, that I’ve either sabotaged every last relationship or pulled away completely from them to the point where there is nothing left. I’ve got plenty of acquaintances, and family, sure, but no actual close friends at this point. No one knows what’s inside my head. My doctor said I need to quit dicking around and figure out what the shit I’m doing, which left me just wanting to leave and never return, but I’ve decided that I’m willing to wait two months and see how I feel.

It probably hurt as much as it did because he’s right, and I know it. It doesn’t fix my physical pain or sleeplessness, but everything else is my responsibility. Since packing up and running away isn’t the same option that it once was, I can either sink or swim here.

I have one friend, really. An ex’s ex. Maybe she’ll get it since she had said the other day that she feels so entirely friendless as of late. She has stood by me through dating her ex, the father of her child. She’s stood by me through my sister’s death, and she’s still there after I cut myself off from everyone.

I need to quit dicking around. It’s true. I need to quit nursing the physical pain. Maybe it will go away if I just push through it, which is why I should go walk the dogs for the first time in months. Everyone deserves more from me than what they’ve been getting, at work, at home… I deserve more than I’ve been giving myself.

It’s sort of hard to muster the strength to do this when both your psychiatrist and physical therapist tell you that they can do nothing more for you in the span of a week. Obviously, their message is clear: Only I have the power to help myself at this point. They’ve given up on me.

Fuck it. Since I’m not going to go off the deep end and commit suicide, and since I’m clearly not going to sleep anymore, I need to get off my ass.

I’m going to walk the dogs.
I’m going to play Call of Duty: Ghosts. (I don’t know how to explain why this is significant, but I swear that it is.)
I’m going to tell my therapist all of this today.
I’m going to run errands.
I’m going to march my ass to the pub by myself and watch the hockey game tonight.
I’m going to finally draw up my query letter and submission for SIATSIA.
Oh, and I’m going to go see Godzilla when it comes out.

I bought groceries this week.
I mopped floors.
I can handle this.

Me. me. me. I hate myself for being a selfish prick when I am utterly useless. I still retain hope, though, that things can be different. But it won’t change if I don’t change it.

I was right about MTIA and TLTL being disastrous ideas. Why not be right about this, too?

We’ll see how the dog walking goes and shoot from there.

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