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April 27, 2014

Today is turning out much differently than I had anticipated.

First, I found a new trail in the woods that leads down to the train tracks. That was fun, although I didn’t go the whole way down to the river.

Then my therapist called me out directly on my gender identity. She looked at me dead in the eye and asked, “Is that too much to handle right now?”

I didn’t tell her it was exactly what I had been wanting to talk about but was skirting around entirely. “Whoa,” I said instead. “No. What you said is right. I just don’t want to say it out loud.”

She smiled at me. I’m in a uniquely challenging position, yeah. My piercings make me stand out. I don’t want to keep hiding in my house. But at home, I am myself. In the world outside, everything fits together all wrong. It doesn’t fit together at all. When I see myself in a mirror, everything is all wrong. I don’t recognize myself. When I speak, my voice is all wrong. I have to find a way to connect the silent me to the rest that everyone else sees. MTIA saw the silent me. Everything fit together, or could have, with MTIA. It should have.

Instead of marching myself to the pub for hockey, I end up with my “honestly just friends” friend at the game. We even grabbed dinner prior. It’s a favorite restaurant, one I’ve been to with MTIA, which only made it worse when I heard a voice singing what sounded like one of his songs along with the strum of an acoustic guitar as we approached the hockey arena. Maybe my ears were wrong, but it really sounded like a favorite song he used to sing to me late at night.

“Oh shit,” I breathed. “Please god, no.” I stumbled a bit, and put my head down, trying to go unnoticed.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?” My friend looked at me with evident concern, clearly not used to seeing this sort of reaction from me.

“Nothing, nothing… just keep walking.” The flow of foot traffic pushed us closer to the song, and I finally glanced up to see if the singer was MTIA.

It wasn’t, and I was incredibly relieved. I don’t think I could have taken seeing him, especially since the last time we spent together before we both completely just flipped out on one another was in the very same spot. Someday, I want to be able to look at him without feeling like I might die without him. Right now I just want to make it through a single day without feeling that way to begin with. It only took me a five years each to get over some of my exes, you know? I even had a quick chat with one recently, so this round of heartbreak only has about four and half years to go before it heals.

Regarding TLTL, it will never heal. This is something I just accept, especially since he’s a ginormous jackass. I don’t want to forgive him and make the same mistakes again.

Things have been far too difficult for me lately. My doctor believes that when I can accept who I am both inside and out, my life will become easier. I’m not sure I agree, but they certainly can’t become much harder. I made the stupid mistake of looking at something on MTIA’s Facebook page and realized that his brother unfriended me. I don’t know why that bothers me so much, but it felt like a slap in the face. I don’t know why I let stupid little things get the best of me like I do. I complicate things far too much.

Additionally, I only recently realized I’ve been editing two different copies of SIATSIA as a result of a mistake I made with Google Drive. I now get the distinct pleasure of going through both versions in their entirety, line by line, to make sure I have all the changes right. Whatever. I needed to go through it line by line anyway.


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