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Hell Freezes Over, Twig Tries Online Dating

April 29, 2014

I don’t exactly know why I did it, but I created an online dating profile last night. Amusingly, I today was told by the site that I am a match with someone whose username was Twig(bunch of numbers). This made me smile. We were, however, in no way a match. And no, “Twig” is not anywhere in my own username.

I am, however, listening to a song as I type that was sent to me via text from a guy I’ve spent the day emailing back and forth with, and then texting with, and then two and a half hours on the phone with. TWO AND A HALF HOURS. I am not a TWO AND A HALF HOURS ON THE PHONE kind of person.

And now I have a date for VNV Nation. A date. Twig. Holy hell. Why am I doing this?

NOTHING about this is going to end well. Today, I nearly sent an email to someone asking, “I can’t remember if it was you I talked with about blah blah blah or someone else…” What an awful thing to send someone. I might as well have just written, “You’re just one of many people I’m emailing with and I can’t remember who’s who.” Way to impress, Twig.

I got my first chat today, too, a series of questions from a fucking PHYSICIAN, mind you… this guy is licensed to practice medicine!!

“Are you into kink?” Seriously? That’s how you open a conversation?
“Jesus Christ, man! Did you really ask that? Do guys ever actually answer you when you ask that? Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. Fuck off.” Thank you very much for weeding yourself out of the list of possible contestants in today’s game of How’s Twig Going to Fuck Up THIS Relationship? No, really. FUCK OFF.

I mean, I suppose I should be glad that he’s removed himself from the running, and I’m glad to be reminded that there are some weirder people out there than me, but… just… gross. I still feel all slimy just thinking about it. Never mind that yes, I most certainly am into kink. I’m not into the kind that involves me telling complete strangers about it. I’m just a wet blanket, I guess.

I am going to have to start taking notes. I don’t know how else to keep track of things on this site otherwise. I should be flattered, and I am. I guess I’m cute. That’s nice. =P

A few online dating tips:
1) If you’re interested in someone and don’t understand a reference in their profile, try looking it up to show interest. You don’t have to pretend you know what it is, but at least make an effort.
2) You’re not texting. Don’t send a fucking text email. Maybe I’m just a haughty little shit about demonstrating some intelligence.

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