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Ah, well then…

May 2, 2014

Today, Round One sent me the lyrics to this, by Leitbur:

(Yes, he’s a  VGM nerd. He even says “zomg.”)

We were texting back and forth, and it feels like… we’re a couple. After two dates. He only split with his partner of three years two months ago. “I want you to get better so we can go running together and to the gym together,” he told me. I’m trying hard to be honest with him. I’m trying to be open. I’m trying to be myself. I’m trying not to sabotage a good thing.

I’m trying to gauge my feelings objectively.

Do I want to be with him because he’s about 90% awesome or because I want to be settled? This is not a question I can afford to answer incorrectly. This is my life, and I will live it fully. I also do not want to hurt anyone, and right now, even if things don’t end up in a relationship between Round One and me, right now, my impression is that he’s a good guy, and he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. For that matter, neither do I.

I don’t think he’s the type to hurt anyone, at least not intentionally. His profile on the dating site is unavailable. He talks to his friends about me, and we talk all day every day. On Wednesday night, outside his house, he said, “It’s okay if you’re going on other dates. Not that you need my permission. I mean that I understand if you’re going on other dates. I don’t have any right to tell you what’s okay, but you already know that. I mean, I haven’t made you my boyfriend… yet.”

It was sort of adorable watching him waver between confident and shy.

Then all day today, I’ve found my mind wandering back to last night, thinking of the things he whispered in my ear as he slid his hands beneath my shirt. He lacked no confidence whatsoever then. If there was any shyness, I couldn’t identify it. He had invited me over to just hold me and to try and help me get some sleep. He really tried. I almost slept. Then the kissing started… he stopped after a moment, put his hand to my neck and felt my pulse. Sleep was clearly not going to happen.

He’s out with a couple of friends tonight, but has texted me to inform me that he’s telling them about me. He’s been texting throughout the evening, actually.

Admit it, Twig: You’re in a relationship. You care about him. He cares about you. Now don’t eff it up, and don’t forget who you are for once in your goddamn life. My therapist is going to love this.

 

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