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In Confidence, with Confidence…and sometimes neither.

May 29, 2014

I can comfortably say that I have two addictions: chocolate and nicotine. If I could quit smoking, I could likely kick the chocolate habit, too. I may require an intervention, or may need to distribute pictures of myself at local bodegas and grocery stores with instructions for clerks not to let me buy either under any circumstances.

I tried to explain to Round One (can I just call him Ro henceforth?) the scars left from bullying years back – the emotional ones, that is – and the scars that stem from lying to myself about my identity for so many years. I’ve lied for so long that I’m not entirely sure that I can ever know the truth for myself anymore. I don’t know who I am. Everything I do is a show, or some nuanced behavior picked up from a myriad of sources along the way. Do I have anything in my personality that is truly my own?

Do any of us?

If I could just strip off my skin, maybe things would be different.

Instead, I take hope in knowing I’m not alone, even though the opposite feels true:

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Why the hell couldn’t MTIA and I get it together? Why can’t I seem to just explain to Ro where I stand, especially now that it doesn’t matter? It’s like coming out of the closet all over again.

Genderqueer. Genderqueer. Genderqueer. How much do I have to spell it out for you, eh?


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