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MTIA, I miss you a lot today.

October 25, 2014

I’m drinking beer on the front porch, listening to the soundtrack to The God that Comes, wearing a shirt that belongs to MTIA. I emailed him today, just a quick note since today last year was a wonderful night for us, meaningful in ways we couldn’t possibly explain to anyone else but knowing we each understood one another perfectly.

He wrote back, saying he wish he could have been better last year, that he was sorry he wasn’t. I miss him so much tonight.

“Drink and remember…”

The first time we hung out, he knew things were bad for TLTL and me. He clung to me, watching to make sure I was okay. I still loved TLTL too much, didn’t know MTIA enough. I should have clung to him right back.

I was so hung up on TLTL that I couldn’t see the beautiful, if tragic, boy right there waiting for me.

But… He wasn’t there for me. He didn’t want a relationship when I did. I worshipped him. When I got hurt, I went back to TLTL, stupidly.

And now TLTL is back to his same old tricks because he’s single again, and I’m convenient. He came by to drop off a pumpkin tonight. And all I want is MTIA.

Fast car comes home from work tomorrow for a few days. It’s been almost two months, but we’ve talked every day until just yesterday, when communication fell off. I don’t expect him to drive home nine hours and straight to me, but it sure would be nice. Show me that I’m wrong to miss MTIA like I do, to hold out hope after a year.

This is madness.

But damnit. I want to live happily after. Maybe with Fast Car, maybe with MTIA,  sometimes even TLTL. But lately, I’ve been thinking so much of MTIA, and I wish I could tell him beyond some meaningless words of being nostalgic.

I want my Flower back.

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