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MTIA VS TLTL VS FC VS Twig Trying to Sleep.

June 4, 2015

Last night I fell asleep thinking about MTIA. We’re hanging out tomorrow (usual shenanigans of food and shopping and drinks… and probably some crying, if we’re being TOTALLY honest). I’m ridiculously excited to see him, and I know the feeling is mutual. In my dreams, though, I kissed TLTL. In my dreams, I cheated on FastCar and it wasn’t even with the right guy!

At least it was only a kiss. Never mind that cheating is cheating, whether it be physical or emotional, in my humble opinion.

Because awake, I know I still miss MTIA. Even though things are at LEAST a billion times better with FastCar than they have ever been in my other relationships, MTIA is still my soulmate, and I love him. And that makes me a cheater.

But… I love FC. I trust him, as I’ve previously stated, more than I’ve trusted almost anyone. It’s not complete trust, though, because I’ve never explained my exact identity to FC, and while I didn’t explain it to MTIA, either, the difference is that with MTIA, I didn’t HAVE to. Now that I keep trying to explain to FC that gender isn’t a binary distinction and that sexual preference isn’t either, I find I have less and less to say. If I just keep living as I do, FC doesn’t have to know anything is wired differently in my head.

“Our hearts are too bound in the safety of chains.” ~Hawksley Workman

That is my reality. I will always love MTIA for loving me as I am. And I’ll never open up to FC, so he’ll never really have the chance to love me as I am.

I came out to a group of at risk teens I work with on creative writing, and not one cared. But FC wouldn’t understand, because he just. doesn’t. get. it. It’s easier for everyone this way.

I have the perfect life. I never have to hide who I am. And yet no one knows who I am. So it’s easier for everyone this way… except for me.

Good lord, I’m a baby.

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