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Hiatus… Hiati?

February 6, 2016

I am a firm believer that any singular word ending in -us should end in -i when pluralized. In this case, I’ve clearly been on more than one hiatus. Yes, I know the correct plural is hiatuses, but how often does one have cause to discuss more than one hiatus?

Many months have passed since I’ve logged on here. Even more time has passed since I’ve written any fiction or completed any commissioned artwork.

Let me tell you, having a medically-related mental breakdown is no easy thing. Coming back from said medically-related breakdown isn’t any easier. Over time, though, I’ve found that I have to let go of the guilt I’ve felt over damaged personal and professional relationships.

Instead, I can only be grateful for those that haven’t given up on me during the multiple times I refused to take responsibility for myself. During those times, I refused to leave bed, refused to take any of my very necessary medications (if I planned on walking, eating, or minimizing physical pain, yes, very necessary indeed). For a while, I just gave up. Occasionally I would sob to Fast Car or a family member. “I’m trying,” I’d whimper. “I’m so sorry I’m letting you down.”

Oh, fuck you, Twig, you whiny little shit.

Now, though, my hope is that I’ve killed the old Twig. Or at least meditated him into a coma. I still feel him lurking, but I will kill him entirely in time.

I quit drinking. I might have a drink once a week. A single drink, if that.
I quit abusing narcotic painkillers, and made it through withdrawal that left me suicidal for weeks.
I quit smoking.
I’ve kept myself from self-harm for months, despite thinking about it daily.

Recently, I let MTIA bring me dinner when I refused to go out in a wheelchair with him (me in the chair, not him). I sat quietly while he told me about theĀ girl he’s been dating. I smiled as if it didn’t hurt to hear him say he wants things to work out for them, that he never cared enough about anyone before to try and make it work. Even when he realized how insulting it was to say that to me, I smiled softly, sipped my coffee, and said politely, “I was going to let that go,” I replied. “I understand what you meant.”

And I did understand it. I still do. But it doesn’t hurt any less.
I understand that despite propositioning me for sex and then talking about us getting married that he never actually loved me. I shouldn’t say that. He has loved me and continues to love me in his own way, but not in the way that would lead to our future together, all sunshine and roses. And it’s okay,

Well, it’s not okay. But it will be. After spending time helping him move today, we collapsed together on a pile of pillows in his new place. We talked about random things, about his relationship with a girl whose name I never remember, me talking about my desire to live less pragmatically and more enjoyably. We rested in silence for a while, somehow my head ending up on his chest.

And then, not long after, over coffee I debated going to go to see his performance tonight. And I ruined things. “Will your girlfriend be there?” I asked quietly, dropping my gaze to my chai tea latte.

“Yes,” he said, “she’ll be there.”

“I think I will not go tonight,” I replied. He put down his coffee and stared at me. It was so simple for me to say, but so difficult to explain. I sighed heavily. I set down my mug and stared at it. I was out of chai. Goddamn I hate when I run out of a good chai. “I am okay with not knowing your girlfriend,”I explained stupidly. “It’s not malicious. I’m not sad. I really want you to be happy. But I don’t want to know her just yet. I don’t know if I ever will.”

MTIA stared at me as though I’f slapped him, and there was no possibility of undoing the mood I had created just an hour before he was set to go on stage. I’m a shitty, shitty friend. Completely shithouse. I didn’t mean to be, I just wanted to be honest.

“Your ex and former roommate hated me. And while I do love your last roommate/bedfellow a LOT, and while I know the feeling is mutual, the truth is that deep down, I am seen as a threat, I am hated.” MTIA tried to assure me that wasn’t true, but I cut him off. “Look, she’s said enough to me that has made it abundantly clear that she blames me for everything going wrong between you two. So I think that I should steer clear of your female partners for a while.”

I paused, He said nothing. “Honestly, MTIA, I don’t want to meet the person who is everything I can’t be for you.” When I raised my eyes from my empty mug again, he looked incredibly…regretful.

I tried to assure him that it wasn’t his problem as he apologized for talking about this girl so much. I told him it was okay. It doesn’t bother me.. He’s told me that I wasn’t enough, and he never bothered to try to make it work between us. Maybe the timing was bad. It isn’t any better now. So it can’t bother me. But I don’t want to know her. I just don’t.

“Thank you for hearing me out. Thank you for letting me talk.”

As we said goodbye, he told me there’d be other shows. Shows she wouldn’t be at, he seemed to imply. I won’t be at those shows, either. I won’t apologize for loving him and for saying as much, but I won’t put myself at odds with his girlfriend. I really do wish them the best.

I hope he doesn’t read this. he made a comment suggesting he knows abut what I write.

In the end, if he reads this, I will say this: I finally understand what it is to love someone so fully that you can let them go and support them in other, hopefully healthier, relationships.

It doesn’t help that I feel the same way about FastCar, who seems to keep pulling away. And I will let him, if he chooses. I’d be sad, certainly, but I don’t think I’d fight him. I haven’t been a great partner, and certainly not a healthy one. I want FastCar to have more than what I’ve given him thus far. He’s a really good guy, and I want him to be happy all his life, even if it’s without me.

Maybe someday I’ll be the one. But for now, I am not.

It will probably be a while before I write again.

So I’ll close with this.

I’m happy. I have found peace. I am fighting for my health and I’ve quit using drugs and alcohol. If I were to never post again, I’ll at least have ended here being happy for myself and for others. Lots of people in this world likely aren’t as lucky as me. I’m grateful for what I’ve been given and what I’ve done for myself since i wrote last..

Namaste and shit,

Twig.

 

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