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I was wrong.

March 19, 2016

This was originally entitled “Quit Living in My Head!”

Get out. OUT.

There are three possibilities for the situation which has just arisen: MTIA and TLTL both messaged me today. TLTL reminiscing about our relationship SIX EFFING YEARS AGO, MTIA wanting to make plans after a couple weeks of silence.

  1. It’s completely coincidental that this happens repeatedly.
  2. TLTL and MTIA (MTIA more so, without a doubt) live in my head somehow and always manage to contact me when I’m consciously thinking about them.
  3. I just think about them too much.

Now it’s true that I believe that everything in the universe is interconnected. My view of everything that exists is something along the lines of an Orson Scott Card novel vis-a-vis the character Jane and the existence of “aiúas” and philotic webs. It’s actually sort of amusing that a Mormon author who has some pretty appalling religious views managed to capture so much of my own religious philosophy through science fiction.

On a side note, maybe I should start my own religion. If it worked for L. Ron Hubbard, well…

Anyway. Interconnectedness.

I have long believed that MTIA and I are soulmates, even if we weren’t together. I believed were connected in a way that I have never shared with anyone before.

I. Was. Wrong.

After the past few months of having to interact with MTIA and his string of exes, I had to know if I was different. I am not. He fed me a story of “It’s not you, it’s me,” and another of, “I care about you so much,” and a third of, “our messy past.” And I believe all of it. I believe that he sincerely cares about all the people he gets drunk with and screws and proposes marriage to and tells he loves them. And I know he’s left a trail of heartache in his wake. Since I do happen to be friends with a few of his conquests and have had the opportunity to subtly compare notes, I know that I was just as dumb as they were. Or rather, they were just as dumb as I am.

The story goes along the lines of a quote I heard from David Sedaris many years ago:
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
But I don’t know how to love you.

So I’ve had my belief in interconnectedness destroyed. I am no different. Nothing binds me at a quantum religious level to MTIA. Nothing binds me to him, in fact, but a drunken, insane, messy past.

I am sad, but I needed to know this. I needed to know that I don’t really matter in the way I had believed. I can leave the city with FastCar now if I choose to knowing that the ties I thought existed never did and never will.

 

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