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eff your superstitions

June 9, 2016

subtitle: the penguins lost their first shot to win the stanley cup, and fast car is a freaking tool.

I thought fastcar and i had dinner plans today, but it turned out he wanted to meet for lunch. I was going to ask him to watch the hockey game, but he already had plans with his fat shaming, drug addled, liar of a best friend.

because superstitions. the pens won the last time they watched together, so surely they’d win again. well they didn’t. so eff your dumb ass superstitions that were really just an excuse not to spend an evening together.

I told him i’d be too busy to meet for lunch and that i had thought we were meeting for dinner.

“sooo… we’re not getting lunch?”

“no, no we aren’t,” I told him in a short text.

then i asked, “hey, can you mail me the stuff you said you’d give me in exchange for the money you said you owed me?”

“We aren’t getting food soon?” he asked.

“Well, for two people on vacation, three sets of cancelled plans seem to indicate that we aren’t very good at making time for one another.

he tried to argue that we only have one set of cancelled plans. I had to remind him of the two times he’s cancelled other plans prior to my cancellation of “food.” He didn’t really have a response. he didn’t try to make new plans, and he didn’t answer my question about mailing stuff.

Yesterday, when i asked him, “we’re never getting back together, are we?” he said he never said that was the case and that he was excited for food (that i then cancelled because god god, i deserve more.

He shows an awful lot of support of someone who’s repeatedly fucked him over and interfered in our relationship. I have NOT done these things, and you’d think I was asking him to buy me the moon.

I know i’m more than a little crazy, but i’m also crazy devoted.

I don’t have to be top priority all the time, but occasionally would be nice.

why the hell would i want to stick around to see if he wakes up to what a dick he’s being?

I don’t believe he’s being honest with me because he isn’t being honest with himself. and frankly, i have no desire to keep waiting for him to wake up.

I ought to instead  be dragging MTIA into my bed for a good bit of violent consensual fun. I mean, I shouldn’t be. But I want to be. Since he quit responding to my texts mid conversation yesterday, though, and since he didn’t respond to a hello from me today, i’m guessing that’s not an option anymore, despite it having been a real possibility earlier yesterday.

i should text his ex and see if she still wants to go on a date next week. except… i’m crazy. and she might be crazier than me, even. and she’s a girl. a gender fluid girl, but a girl, which is not the type i usually go in for. And, of course, there’s the fact that we both acknowledge we ought to hate each other since we are both in love with MTIA.

When I told MTIA most of this (leaving out the part about us both being in love with him), I emphasized that I’m not ready to open up to someone new about how my mind works, and I’m not ready to hear someone new’s crazy shit, either. He pointed out that a date isn’t dating.

“True,” I conceded, grimacing at his text message. “But if I don’t go on a first date, I don’t ever have to worry about it turning into dating.”

I still want MTIA. Perhaps a more sober and monogamous MTIA, but MTIA.

As for FastCar, it’s time for me to go gently into that good goddamed night. he can keep the 20 dollars and the painting i made for him, a letter written on back of the canvas about how he makes me life better, means the world to me. he’s ceased to allow those to be true statements, and I;m now convinced he’s a duplicitous shithead.

Have i mentioned I’m off all my meds and that I feel effing FANTASTIC? I’ve lost 20 pounds now, i’m a little more creative again, and my body is no worse off for giving the finger to big pharmacies, the fda, and traditional medicine in general.

Important question:

Should I call MTIA’s ex, who though drunk, seemed really excited to take me on a date next week? I feel like I should at least say hi. What if she’s waiting for me to call her? Can i text her instead? Should I tell her it’s okay if she didn’t mean it? Should I tell her I’m afraid of a lot of stuff going wrong? Because for all my doubts, there’s a chance she and I could be really happy together. I mean, it COULD happen.

I seriously need advice, and I have no one to ask in this case.


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