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because i can’t say this without being 302ed

June 11, 2016

Note: For those who don’t know, getting 302ed is being involuntarily committed for a psychiatric hold of up to five days.

i have been thinking over and over about running away from home.

That is, as much as a 30+ mortgage holder with six fish tanks and four quadraped dependents can allow one to think about running away… which is to say that I can’t do it.

The truth is that there’s no where I want to go except maybe indonesia, and I don’t really want to even go there very much.

My empath dog is hiding from my tears today. I didn’t yell at him. He just cowers when I cry now.

But here’s the point of all this: my desire to run away is just a cop out for wanting to die.

**Note: I do not plan to commit suicide. If I didn’t have my dependents, and I didn’t have my family, well maybe then. but I have what we in the biz call resilency factors. They’re more like guilt factors, I’d say, but I’m just very cyncial.

FastCar said tonight, go ahead and date. I won’t stop you. He won’t stop me from me from dating. He won’t stop me from leaving the city, the state, or even the country.

I think I mentioned the other night that when I met up with MTIA and his ex that at the end of the night, he was backstage playing pool – I hadn’t been invited, despite knowing that I could have used some cheering up. I had to invite myself, which I detest. I chose not to play pool after all, and left MTIA when he finally went to change.

MTIA’s ex isn’t communicating with me. I don’t know why she isn’t. maybe she’s afraid like I am, but I suspect it’s more accurate to say that I’m not anything special contrary to what she says when she’s drunk. To her, I’m a revenge tactic to get back at MTIA. But I don’t think she realizes that MTIA doesn’t care about me, about her. If she and I got together, he’d feel only relief that two nut jobs were out of his hair.

Why am I staying here?

How do I start over when there’s nothing interesting to me? there is nowhere I want to go. there’s nothing I want to do. I could whore it up for a while, but it’s not my thing.

I want to be held and loved by someone who feels the same about me romantically that I feel about him or her.i want to trust MTIA, but i believe i am convenience only. And his ex either has either retracted her statement Abbott having s a crush on me or forgot altogether about our date.

I did reach out to her. i got little in response.

I’m supposed to be this amazing human full of kindness, love, and various talent. I do home improvements (some better than others, but I try). I’m supposed to be a role model to struggling youth. Pretty soon, I will also be a role model and some form of parental figure to my cousin’s new baby. Right now, the last part means the most to me, as I won’t be having any children off my own.

Fast car doesn’t care if I date. I asked him to just tell me if he knew for sure we wouldn’t work things out. I’d rather know a difficult truth. But he says he doesn’t know. So i poured some of my heart out to him today over dinner, and honestly, it felt like he didn’t care.

So i work on my yard that no one sees. I work on my house that no one sees. I take photos that I don’t use for anything. I reread books  I’ve written but that I haven’t published.

I’m supposed to be awesome and amazing. but instead I’m alone… So I work out like crazy, convinced that if I can drop 40 our 50 lbs again, people might look beyond my weight, and that’s incredibly shallow.

tonight, I took too many sleeping pills, not an overdose mind you. But they’re kicking in. And I love too much.

Maybe I’ll text MTIA’s ex one last time to say i’m sorry.maybe tomorrow. I can’t rightly type coherently tonight.

But I want her to know it’s ok if she forgot or if it was a moment of drunken stupidity.

FastCar has quit responding to my texts, just like MTIA. Again, the ones I want to love me most have nothing to say because i am not worth the effort of caring for, holding, or letting my cry.

I don’t want to be unworthy.

 

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