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rationally irrational love.

July 7, 2016

I’m trying like hell to maintain some semblance of normalcy in my life. I’m trying to get regular exercise, work on home improvements, ignore the incessant barrage of messages from TLTL, and not overthink time spent making out with FastCar on my couch.

Fitness is hard because my entire body aches constantly. I’m reminded of when the GymRat told me I needed to suck it up and push through it; I hate to say it -he was, after all, a massively pompous asshole, but he might have been right. I spent a long time, more than three years, letting the emotional and physical pain suck me down further and further. I think I was waiting for someone to save me, and in a way, my split with FastCar is what has ultimately made the difference. Unfortunately, I can’t save him. I have to carry on without him, though there are glimmers of hope.

Yesterday revealed one of those glimmers: we watched a movie at my place curled up together. The movie was dumb, but we watched it anyway. FastCar put on some music after, and kissed me. And then kissed me more. But we’re still not back together. And he’s still not okay. I’m… sort of okay. As long as I sleep and eat, I think I’ll be alright. Slowly, FastCar and I push through the bullshit surrounding us: him searching for a new job and whatever else is bothering him that he won’t talk about. For my part, I try to be less of a shitty person. It isn’t easy. I drink my friends’ wine, smoke their pot… and offer very little in return by way of friendship.

I am focused on being less insecure. I haven’t quite achieved badass level status yet, but I’ll get there. For now, I work to laugh more and complain less. I work to hold my head high more, slump my shoulders less. I mean, life isn’t bad, you know? I have another commissioned art piece in the works, my house isn’t a complete disaster, and I don’t think about MTIA every waking moment of the day. Mostly I think about FastCar, and how I’m trying to become my own person for his benefit, which is really rather contradictory. Eventually I’ll succeed, and I expect that at that point, I’ll no longer miss being in a relationship with FastCar. That will be, conveniently, when he decides he wants me back, because that’s how it goes. I want to believe we aren’t that doomed.

For now, however, online dating continues to be a fiasco because I am, in all honesty, still absolutely in love with FastCar.

The thing is, I still can’t figure out why. Is being smart and funny and kind and cute as hell enough of a reason to love someone? Really good in bed helps, too, I admit. Good god, I miss the sex… But.. are all those reasons enough? We don’t talk about politics or books (he doesn’t read). I’m not sure what we really even do talk about. Hobbies, I guess. It’s not like there are awkward silences. There has been so much negativity on both our parts in the past year, however, that I’m not always sure I want to say anything at all. My goal is to remind him that when we’re together, we can be happy… just because. And really, can’t love be that simple? Does it have to have a clear rationale?

My unease over this question comes and goes. I’ve decided, though, that yes, it is enough. Love can be simple. I don’t have to love the same things FastCar does in order to love that he does them and love to hear about them. I assure you, I won’t be writing computer code of any kind any time soon, but I’d listen to him talk about it for hours. It isn’t rational. It’s love.



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